Dear friends,
What is it about buses that makes other drivers lose all their common sense! In consecutive days, I have been passed on bends in the road. The car drivers couldn't possibly have known what, if any vehicles were approaching from the opposite direction. Both were lucky. Within a minute of the second incident, on Green Dragon Lane, a third car overtook me on a straight, downhill section of road, doing somewhere in excess of 50mph. To deter such speedsters, there are 3 sets of chicanes at mini-roundabouts. This particular stunt was attempted an insufficient distance from one of these, so the driver was forced to negotiate the entire manoeuvre on the wrong side of the road. This time, the driver was almost not so lucky. Another vehicle was coming the other way. I doubt they missed each other by more than a couple of feet. This incident almost brought to life my enduring waking nightmares.
The vision I have almost overcome, is where I am driving at a decent speed and misjudge how far I am from a parked vehicle, causing a gut-wrenchingly spectacular smash. In the second scenario, a testosterone drunk dick-for-brains pulls out from behind me, while crossing into the path of oncoming traffic - a scene that unfolds several times daily. This time around, neither the perpetrator nor the victim, a bus or articulated lorry driver, can avoid a devastating crash. Car parts and flames fly through the air. Fortunately, my imagination has spared me visions of the mangled bodies.
I also have another accident to report. As seems to happen weekly, the tunnels on the North Circular Road, going under the Great Cambridge Roundabout and Silver Street, were closed for repairs that nobody has ever actually witnessed taking place. Two lanes had just merged into one on the slip road. Without enough space to get past me, another car attempted to do so anyway. Upon failing in his first attempt, he applied the old adage: try, try, try again.... until he hit me! After pounding the steering wheel in frustration and anger, I got off the bus to assess the damage, minimal, and see if the other driver was alright. He asked how I didn't see him!!!! He wanted to know what 'I' was going to do about his car. His tone was threatening, so I got back on the bus. I carry a company-supplied camera, with which I am supposed to photograph accident damage and location. Upon seeing this, the other driver cursed, rounded the cones and sped towards the waiting queue of traffic. Not a bright chap, as I would inevitably join the same queue immediately behind him. I snapped a shot of his licence plate.
Talking of not bright! My trip to the US was great. I loved seeing family and friends, and spending time with my kids was the highlight of my year. The second leg of my road trip was from Detroit to Pittsburgh - about 250 miles. We were in Ohio, about 10 miles from the Pennsylvania border, when a full grown female Deer ran up the embankment to the highway, within yards of our car. Surprising and beautiful. I said, look, kids! The Deer than full on charges our vehicle. I had a split second to react and swerved to the left, grazing the animal, which ran off, with the side of the car. Hair flew. Shit flew! Literally!! It hit the passenger window. Good thing for Sean's allergies! The windows were closed and the AC on, else Hannah would have had a face full!! Seems that Bulls aren't the only animals that attack red! We were told that this was far from an isolated incident. We were all sick to our stomachs. I called Rob, in Pittsburgh, telling him that we would be a little late. He lightened our moods with a few rather sick jokes. The time spent waiting for the Police - I had to get an accident report for insurance purposes - was almost sufficient for us to recover. I always drive past Rob's house, so called him again from close-by, asking him to stand outside it. We'll be in the maroon Honda Stationwagon with the shit on the window!
Seen and believed, but certainly not comprehended: Two Mercedes cars, one a sporty convertible, that have television screens on the dashboard. One of them had music videos on. What I want to know is, what egghead had this pea-brained idea, what corporate melon-head agreed to put them in the cars, what 'safety' commission approved it and how much did that cost in political contributions, and, last but not least, what yuppie moron with more money than sense would buy such a thing? Countries and States are banning mobile phone use for drivers, but it's OK to watch the booty-shaking flesh parade that constitutes so many videos! One thing's for sure: there'd be no shortage of people for me to sue, should I ever be involved in an accident with one of these cars!
As far as I can tell, there are only two things prone to more exaggeration than a man's penis size: Parents' estimation of how advanced their children are, and how long people have waited for a bus. On Sundays, the 125 comes only twice an hour. A man got on my bus complaining that he had waited an hour. I said that was untrue. I had crossed paths with the other bus exactly where I should have done. OK. Maybe 40 minutes. No, it would have been about half an hour ago. Oh! I must have just missed it!
There are many reasons for buses being late. People are constantly ringing the bell for the wrong stop and then just sit there saying nothing when I stop. The new buses on the 125 route have bells on almost every pole. People get on and grab the bars on their way to a seat, accidentally ringing the bell. Anyone can make a mistake, but as a public service request for all my fellow drivers everywhere, please admit to yours, if you make one. It will save a half a minute. The later I am, the more passengers I pick up (and will therefore also have to drop off somewhere) that would otherwise have missed me. This makes me later still. After all, the leading cause of lateness is picking up and dropping of the passengers. If I never had to pick up any, I'd rarely be late at all!
Another major cause is crazy schedules. On the W15, 44 minutes are scheduled for the late, late runs. This is almost impossible. I have made it just once. I was determined, and the roads were unusually clear, as it was Bank Holiday weekend. The allotted time from the Hackney Central Bus Stand to Leytonstone Station is 15 minutes. I drove 35-40mph most of the way, even briefly topping 50 along the Homerton Road. I was 2 minutes late at my first checkpoint! I made this up by the time I reached Terminus.
Along the same lines, the 125 has a round trip of 16 miles. (I originally thought this was 25 ? miles, but the new buses display kilometres.) The late runs are expected to accomplish this in 50 minutes. Supposedly, all times are based upon a top speed of 27mph. I worked it out! If there were no traffic, no traffic lights, no turns to negotiate, no roundabouts and no passengers, it would take me over 35 minutes. At an average 30mph, the time needed would be 32 minutes. But I tend to slow down for road hazards, and go considerably slower still when taking on passengers! Bare in mind, not one of these road has a limit of above 30mph and I would be expected to pay any speeding fines, and the 3 points would be on my licence!! 12 points and I'm out of a job! Not without a fight!! Letters to Mayor Ken, 'The Editor'...
If Swan Lane in Whetstone flooded...
I have to report the sad closure and removal of the 24-hour mobile tea and snack bar on Hackney Marshes, at Homerton Road. Not that I ever ate there. However, I always found it wryly amusing just how often the place was closed when I passed it - certainly more than any other 24-hour joint I've ever seen!
As a final note, I have some hope of returning both to New York and my old profession. Projects are in the works at my old employer, which I hope will result in a call in a few months. Perhaps next year, I'll be writing Diaries of an Englishman in New York.
That's all for now.
Love,
Andy
About the Author
My name is Andy. I am an Englishman who has spent most of his adult life in the United States. In 2001, I moved back to London, thinking I would remain there for the rest of my life. But things didn't go as planned. And instead of finding a job in IT, I became a bus driver. This is my memoire, written from 2003 to 2005.
Now back in Brooklyn, I have a blog I currently enjoy writing: sceneandheardinny.blogspot.com
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